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Christ the Terp?

Niner Pundit | Apr 09, 2006 | 0 comments

Hear Me Out On This

For centuries, debate has raged about the true nature of Jesus Christ, philosopher, prophet, teacher, and to some, Redeemer of mankind. Even the most basic questions have drawn varying answers and spirited debate: what did Christ look like? Did he have brothers or sisters? What became of his Earthly parents? I do not claim to have the answers to all those vexing questions, however, I wanted to dig a little deeper into the first. What did Christ look like? I think I may have found the answer.

Jesus Christ is a gigantic black man who goes about 6′4”, 260 with his hair in dreadlocks and biceps that would make Hulk Hogan seem French.

I know what you’re thinking. ”That sounds a lot like Vernon Davis.” Yes it does.

Now, before you go all crazy on me, I am not comparing Vernon Davis to Jesus Christ.

I’m saying Vernon Davis IS Jesus Christ.

Bear with me.

I spoke with renowned Christian scholar Rev. Dr. Paul Schofield about my hypothesis. My first question: could Jesus be living on Earth among us as we speak? ”One of the core beliefs of Christianity is that Christ ascended to Heaven after His Resurrection and is waiting for the appointed time to return to Earth and battle the Evil One in the final Apocalypse,” Dr. Schofield told me. ”I find it hard to believe that he would be living on Earth at this time. However, it is certainly not out of the realm of possibility as we cannot begin to fathom God’s Divine Plan.”

Indeed, the notion cannot be disproved. Which is as good as truth anymore.

Can not the 49ers organization be viewed as “mankind,” awaiting salvation in the form of Vernon Davis, or “Christ?” Mankind has been fighting through several key struggles lately, ranging from poverty and hunger to transitioning from a spread offense in college to a pro-style game and working from under center.

One AFC Scouting Director I spoke with seems to share my view, with the possible exception of Vernon Davis being Christ. “He’s as physically gifted as a human being can be. Couple that with his savvy and hard work and he has all the makings of a special player.” I asked him if it were conceivable that Davis is in fact the Son of God. “That question makes me uncomfortable. My secretary will show you out.”

Since Mr. High-and-Mighty wouldn’t address my reasoned queries, I returned to Dr. Schofield armed with even more ammunition behind my theory. I asked the Reverend if it was possible that Christ walking on water was not a miracle, but in fact that result of a startling 4.38 time in the 40-yard dash and the shiftiness to average 17.2 yards per reception.

“As you know, water is a liquid, and even if someone could run twice that fast, I find it doubtful that they would be able to run along the surface without sinking.”

But what if the water was intimidated by the sheer size of Christ Davis?

“Water does not have feelings. It cannot feel threatened, disturbed, happy, or any other feeling. Physical attributes would not have any effect on the psychology of water, because there is no psychology to water.”

My theory was being riddled with bullets, but I fired back with my strongest point yet. Even after the horrific tortures and scorn Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane and at the hands of the Romans, he was still forced to carry his own cross to the hill on Calvary for his Crucifixion. Who could possibly possess such overwhelming strength?

Someone who could bench press 225 pounds 33 times, the all-time record for a tight end?

“I am beyond mortified, I am chagrined that you would even consider such a ridiculous notion,” Dr. Schofield angrily shouted at me. ”That is without question the worst statement of blasphemy I have ever heard. I worry for you. May God show your soul mercy, because you WILL need it.”

Undaunted but terrified of an eternity of hellfire and damnation, I sought the insight of Davis’ college coach, Ralph Friedgen, a man legendary for his candor and refreshing honesty.

“Vernon was our only real threat offensively the last 2 seasons, and he has a world of skills the likes of which I have never seen and probably will never see again. But Jesus Christ was able to raise the dead, heal the sick, feed the lot of 5000, and perform a host of other miracles that richly benefited humanity.”

But maybe Davis’ true miracles are yet to come. No franchise in football has been as sick or as dead as the 49ers the last 3 years. Perhaps he will raise the 49ers from the dead and heal old wounds, and even more importantly, perhaps he will feed the millions of 49er fans around the globe with that rarest of delicacies:

A 6th Super Bowl Championship.